Snow
by frozenfemale
Summary: Hanagata thinks back about his past... NON yaoi


**Snow**

A/N: NOTE: This is NOT a slash ficcy… it's pure friendship. I dedicate this fic to Soon Khie, AKA Exhile87. Hope you're doing fine over there!!! We really miss you over here… I know, I know, you might not read this, but anyway… 

Disclaimers: If you guys have read my other fics, I'm sure you know that I seldom put up disclaimers, because it's too well-known that I will never ever be smart enough to own Slam Dunk *sob* However, I'm putting up a disclaimer this time, because of the song in this fic. This song was composed by my brother, Francis and Mary Anne, I would really like to thank you both very much, though you guys don't know it. This song was supposedly meant for our mothers on mother's day, so I just cut out a part which talked about it. The ones that are **bold _and __italic,_****are the song lyrics. The one in just italics are thoughts. **

            Hanagata stood at his bedroom window, looking out at the snow-covered streets. The whole of Kanagawa were coated with pure white snow. It was a beautiful… scratch that, it was a magnificent sight. 

            From the window, Hanagata could see two small boys around the age of ten, running down in the knee-high snow, laughing happily. 

            'Matte!!' one of them shouted. The other just laughed and ran off. Hanagata sighed, and suddenly, the boy who had shouted, looked up at him. For a moment, their eyes made contact, and then, the small boy ran off in search of his friend. Looking at the beau… magnificent sight beyond him, Hanagata felt empty… lost. One part of his heart, a part of his life was missing. And the view made him feel so, helpless.

            Everything around him seemed to remind him of the good times he had in his past. Just those two boys could make him reminisce the past, where he would spend Christmas with his closest friend. Just the two of them, walking, running and laughing, out there in the middle of the snow-covered town.

            'Toru! Your call!' His dad's voice floated up to him, breaking him out of his reverie. Hanagata walked over to his cordless phone, a mixture of regret and relieve churning in him. He picked the phone up and yelled "Put down!". Down stairs, his dad hung up, muttering something about teenagers these days. 

            'Hello?'

            'Fujima?!!'

**_You are a gift, from up above,_**

**_You bring to my heart, joy and love,_**

**_You fill my heart full of grace, _**

**_Every time I see your smiling face.       _**

            'Hanagata!'

            There was a short pause.

            _It's not fair… why did you have to move? Couldn't you have waited till next year? At least then we would have graduated from High School, and… maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't need you that much. _Those words were on the tip of Hanagata's tongue, but he knew he would never say that. He would never, in his whole life, ever say that to Fujima. However, that knowledge didn't in the very least, lessen Hanagata's desire to say it. He still yearned to shake Fujima until his teeth rattled, waiting for a satisfactory answer. 

            'So, how are you?' Fujima asked.

            'Eh? Well… as far as fine can get, I'm fine.'

            _Why is it when you leave, I'm so alone? Lost. I'm left here with everyone else, with the rest of our gang, and yet, I'm the one who can't seem to get up. I'm the one who seems to need to lean on to you even though we're miles apart… but, how can I tell you that? How can I tell you how I really feel? That's the way we are, aren't we? We just lie our way out, acting against our feelings... _Hanagata closed his eyes, and rested his head in his hand, his spectacles, on the table. 

            'How're things over in Kanagawa? Do you guys miss me? Hehehe… I'm sure not many girls are there to see you guys practice now that I'm gone, right?' Fujima asked again, playfully.

            'Why you twerp!'

**_I can't explain, the love I feel,_**

**_I love you so much, it feels unreal,_**

**_When you belong to someone,_**

**_That love is like no other._**

            _The worst thing is that I don't know if you need me as much… if you need to hold on to me, the way I need to hold on to you._

'What about you? Did you join the basketball club over there? How're they?' Hanagata asked in return.

            'Yeah I did. They're pretty good.

            'Are you just a normal player?'

            'Nope, I'm a sub-captain.'

            'Wow… what did they do? Kick the sub off just because you entered?'

            'Nah, lucky sub had to shift too.'

            'Oh…' Another pause. Hanagata felt awkward. He didn't know what to say, what to talk about… but he couldn't bear to put the phone down, to cut off Fujima's voice. 

            _Things are not normal anymore, no matter how cheerful I pretend to sound… no matter how you sound, things aren't. We can hardly talk the way we used to anymore… when I'd just call you when I'm bored, talking about nothing at all. _Hanagata felt a tear slowly make its way down his cheek.__

            'So… did you guys make it?'

            'Hmmmm?'

            'Inter High? Did you guys make it?' Fujima's voice was filled with concern.

            '…'

            'Hanagata…'

            'No, we didn't. Did you?'

            'Yeah, we did.'

            'I see…' Another pause followed. A little longer this time. 

            'Did you make any close friends?' Hanagata asked after a while.

            'Err… well, I made some friends… it's okay I guess… considering, you know…'

            _Why is it that you can just continue living your life as if nothing happened? Why is it that you have the ability and openness to attract people and friends? Why are you so damned good in holding yourself up even when everything around you changes? _Hanagata felt more tears rolling down his cheeks, and instinctively rose to lock the door. Then he walked back to his window, and sat on the still.

            More snow was falling, thick and white, the more he thought about it, the more empty he felt. The more lost. In a world where nature was so perfect, where fate has led him to meet Fujima, then to cruelly pull him away… he felt lost.

            'Hanagata?' 

            Dusk was setting in, and daylight began to fade.

            'Yeah?...'

**_I'll remember, all the songs that we sing,_**

**_I'll remember, the joy that you bring,_**

**_I'll remember, till eternity, _**

**_This song's for you._**

'I… no… nothing.' Hanagata waited to see if there were more… if he would change his mind.

            'Well… then, I guess…' Hanagata stopped in the mid-sentence, unable to go on, to say the words. He didn't want to end their conversation… and yet… a part of him did want to, in a different sense… he did want to. 

            'I guess we'll say good…'

            'Wait,' Fujima interrupted.

            'I don't think I'll be able to call you tomorrow… so, Merry Christmas, 'kay?' Hanagata sighed, softly, so as to make sure that Fujima didn't hear him. His heart was burdened. This was the first time as far as he could remember, he had to spend a Christmas without Fujima… alone… and deep down, he wondered if this Christmas would actually be a merry one.

            'Yeah… same to you…' Hanagata muttered back, and then, in a much softer voice, added, '…though I don't really think it's going to be all that merry for me.' For some weird reasons that were unfathomable, Fujima did hear that last sentence that Hanagata slid in, and he lowered his head, saying in his heart, "_Me too, Hanagata, me too."_

            'Well… ja.'

            'Ja,' Hanagata replied. Both hesitated, and five seconds later, they could still hear each others breath over the phone… until Fujima finally hung up.

            'Sayonara, Fujima,' Hanagata murmured into the dead phone. He threw his phone on the bed, and stared out at the window. Daylight was receding fast, and the stars were starting to twinkle overhead. He sat like that for over an hour, till night finally descended, and the stars shone on the falling snowflakes, making them twinkle as well. 

* * * * * * * * 

            'Merry Christmas!!' Hanagata opened his eyes. He saw the blur faces of his parents hovering about him. For their benefit, he gave them a small smile, reaching for his glasses.

            'Merry Christmas, Otousan, Okaasan.'

            The rest of the day passed in a wild blur. At nightfall, after dinner, when his whole family, and this included his cousins who, for the first time, came down to celebrate Christmas together, were inside, Hanagata stood alone, out there, amidst the falling snow, looking up at the inky blue-black sky.

            He picked up a handful of snow, and threw it…. at the nothingness in front of him. He sighed. 

            _The only comfort I have is that I know you're out there somewhere, under the same sky, stepping on the same snow that falls on this __land_ of ___Japan__. But... I wish for more. I wish…_

Hanagata looked up suddenly. There was a beautiful rain of shooting stars, lighting up the bright night. For some reason, Hanagata felt close to ecstatic… it was like he was the only one watching this beautiful sight. Everyone else in the whole of Kanagawa were inside their houses, celebrating. It was his secret.

            _… I wish that you were still here._

He could remember clearly all the rumors they had heard since young, especially the rumor they heard when they were twelve. He could remember the way they both would stand there, in the middle of Christmas night, hoping to see something unusual, together… something that would bind their lives forever.

**_I'll remember, with every breath that I take,_**

**_I'll remember, the sacrifices you made,_**

**_I'll remember, till eternity,_**

**_This song's for you._**

            It was just a rumor… and yet, Hanagata felt so sad that Fujima wasn't here to witness the rain of shooting stars… to have a secret that only both of them could share.

            _I wish for you…_

****

**_You are a gift, from up above,_**

**_You bring to my heart, joy and love,_**

**_You fill my heart full of grace,_**

**_Every time I see your smiling face._**

****

**_I can't explain, the love I feel,_**

**_I love you so much, it feels unreal,_**

**_When you belonged to someone,_**

**_That love is like no other._**

****

**_I'll remember, all the songs that we sing,_**

**_I'll remember, all the joy that you bring,_**

**_I'll remember, till eternity,_**

**_This song's for you._**

****

**_I'll remember, with every breath that I take,_**

**_I'll remember, sacrifices you made,_**

**_I'll remember, till eternity,_**

**_This song's for you,_**

**_I do love you,_**

**_My mother._******

People say that the worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them, knowing you can't have them…. Well, maybe it is… but maybe, just maybe, it isn't. 

****


End file.
